God I can't fucking stand Full House anymore. Don't get me wrong; I used to really enjoy watching it during my younger years but it became nearly unwatchable over the years. Recently, my Swedish friend Beowulf gave me a video copy of a Full House episode. I didn't understand why, he just approached me, gave it to me and yelled, "Börk börk börk börk börk börk börk börk börk!" and ran off never to be seen again.
I went home and put in the tape. The episode began normally, the only difference being the lyrics in the theme-song being replaced by a series of masculine screams.
After the introduction ended, the episode cut to Michelle in the kitchen pouring chocolate syrup into the family dog Comet's mouth, presumably killing him. At one point she missed and the chocolate ended up on the floor.
"Goddammit Michelle! You fucked up my kitchen floor!" Danny walked into the kitchen in a very angered way. He then grabbed Michelle and the episode cut to a scene showing Danny throwing Michelle off of a bridge into the ocean.
Once Danny returned home, Jesse...
Oh my God what the fuck...
What the absolute fuck...
Jesse was combing the hair of about thirty tacos whilst Joey proceeded to eat them. Danny was sitting at the table reading a newspaper casually, as if everything were normal.
"I'll kill you!" DJ screamed as she chased Stephanie into the kitchen and around the table.
"Hey wait what the hell's going on here?" Danny asked.
"Stephanie ate Megan's last fruitpopple!" DJ answered. Did they really just reference Drake and Josh?
"FUS RO DAH!" Stephanie screamed as she fus ro dah'd DJ to death. Well that was anti-climatic.
"Stephanie what did I tell you about fus ro dahing in the house? Go to your room bitch," Danny commanded and went back to reading his paper.
Suddenly the back door opened and George Lopez walked in. "Hey guys," he said.
"Hey George," Danny, Jesse and Joey said in unison.
George walked over to Joey and stole the plate of tacos from him. "I GOT THIS!" he screamed.
"Eeeuuuugh..." Joey groaned. "I think I ate too many tacos. I'm about to explode."
True to his word, Joey exploded and killed everyone in San Francisco in a nuclear explosion of death and kittens and fire and shit.
What the fuck was in the tacos?
The episode then cut to Danny's funeral. It showed his bloody, dismembered, hyper-realistic body in the coffin with glowing red eyes and most of his skin removed. The episode became static.
I turned around and saw Bob Saget. "What the hell?"
"The tape was haunted. Beowulf came across it, I haunted him, he wanted out and I told him that the only way was to find a replacement. He gave the tape to you and went back to Sweden," Bob Saget explained.
"What if I destroy the tape?" I asked.
"No. Don't!" he yelled.
I smashed the tape.
"Noooooooooooo!" Bob Saget disappeared.
I had to get my revenge against Beowulf. i was going to Sweden.
When I arrived in Sweden I teamed up with a guy named Ragnarok and together we attacked Beowulf's mansion. Beowulf was nowhere to be found and suddenly I was taken down by his brother Hingderdingder.
Hingderdingder and Ragnarok got into a fist fight and went all Modern Warfare 2 and grabbed a knife and threw it at Hingderdingder, missing.
Beowulf then showed up and shot me from behind, killing me...
Or did he?
DUN DUN DUN!
To be continued.
Not really.